Shalom! I hope this late blog entry finds all you partiers and sl00ts chugging gallons of water and vomiting up all that nastay leftover Chinese food you ate at 3:30am.
Anyway, I’m here, sweatily typing out my adventures from last night while I wait for Jesus to come to my apartment and save me. No, not Jesus Christ sillies! Jesus the air conditioning fixer…I don’t know how to add the Latin(o?) symbol that looks like a squirrely apostrophe. Whatevs. Living the past 6 days without air conditioning in Miami is the first time I ever truly have been able to identify with Anne Frank…our curly hair is NOT made for this type of humidity!!!
So yesterday, or rather last night, was Night 2 of my temporary bartending gig with the ScaManagement. And, thank God, it was on South Beach! So obviously that means toooonnnsssss of money and big things poppin little things droppin just like that TI song. I thought, that after tonight, I would meet my suga daddy and live happily ever after. Alas.
To begin, we were told via sketchy cryptic text messages to meet at the club at 9pm. Not learning my lesson about ScaManagement’s idea of professional punctuality, I left a happy hour where I enjoyed 4 cranberry clubs 2.5 hours early so I would get to the club on time. And I do get to the club on time. All of the MTV rejects crew and I do. And we wait outside…and wait…and wait…and wait…until 10:30!!!!!! Returning to my similarity with good ole Anne, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO CURLY HAIR WHEN IT IS EXPOSED TO HOT HUMID MIAMI HEAT?!!??! IT GOES FROM LOOKING LIKE THIS —-
to this —
U.G.L.Y. Not to mention I was sweating like…never mind. Already had 1 Anne F. joke…
So finally, the ScaManagement shows up and brings us inside the club, where everyone was setting up. The club itself was really nice, for Miami. Like, you walked inside, and if you didn’t pass out from the smell of stale cigarette smoke/ripe marijuana smoke, you probably did pass out when you went to the bathroom and it looked like the scene from Bridesmaids was filmed there. However, they did have upholstry like couches? Stay classy, Miami. The club was set up like a reggae bar with live music on the first floor, and a hip hop room on the second. I was hoping we would be working downstairs because I felt with all the weed fumes I could probably get high from secondhand smoke and feel like Bob Marley was singing his stoner cruise ship songs. But no, myself and 7 other people are working UPSTAIRS, so I will have to try to gyrate my hips while attempting to make fast and delicious dranks. Perfect.
Now 2 things before I start telling you about the actual night: when the owner of ScaManagement showed up, all my suspicions about him having a bigger drug problem than Courtney Love was confirmed…ya try to ask him one question and he would tell you maybe 3 relevant words before launching into a story he told over…and over…and over..
Me: “So, I’m really trying to find a job ASAP or else I might be homeless this summer *laughs nervously*. What tips can you give me to find a job?”
Courtney Love w/Penis: “Oh we can definitely help you – you know, bartending is a business that never goes out of style! Everyone needs to drink no matter if they are happy, sad, mad! When I was a bartender in Miami, I would make all TYPES of people drinks: straights, fags, dykes, trans…”
Me: “Wait, man, that sounds AWESOME, but like, I kinda need help on figuring out my next step. What should I do to find a good job so I know I won’t be sleeping under a bridge?”
CL w/P: “Oh great question – guys, did you hear his question!? You just need to know that bartending is a business that never goes out of style! Everyone needs to drink no matter if they are happy, sad, mad! When I was a bartender in Miami, I would make all TYPES of people drinks, straight…”
You get the point.
By the time he finished telling the story a 4th time, I had half a mind to tell him that because of my current job, they should be BEGGING me to work for them because NO FUCK I can be responsible for $50,000 worth of alcohol behind a bar when I am responsible for 173 HUMAN LIVES EVERY DAY THAT FACE THE ACHIEVEMENT GAP!!!!!K3RR3805Y9-34. I hate Miami sometimes.
The second story I completely forgot as I got livid typing that exchange BUT it probably had to do with the fact that my only friends in this whole bartending program ditched because they were like “fuck this guy, we are just gonna go party on SoBe”. And then they left me 😦
Anyway, my shift ended at 5am, and it was 11:30pm, (and omg the air conditioner guy just got here praise carrieeeeee), and each of us (7 total) would work 30 minute shifts. I was #6 in line, so I had a while to wait. So, after ordering yet another cranberry club, I took a seat at the pool table that looked like many a Miami child would be horrified to know that’s where they came from. It was still early, so I made a few initial observations:
1) The 3 people next to me are all wearing sunglasses in a room where only like Batman would be able to function without knocking into someone. I thought it would be funny to ask them “coke or pepsi?”, but then I thought twice when I realized I could be shagged/shanked/whatever and no one would know the difference.
2) The clientele that started trickling in looked like the club was about to become a “whos who” of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I have never seen so much jiggling booty/shaking boobies IN MY LIFE. Which leads me to….
3) All the men could NOT keep it down. At all. In fact, some of Miami’s finest were like, putting their hands on their crotch, shaking what their daddy gave them blatantly at their soon to be baby mama. Matty, we are NOT in Williamsburg anymore.
4) There were couples that looked like this…everywhere….
Except the dude was usually really attractive whereas the chick looked like Hagrid’s wife draped in leopard print. The grossest part was when the two would usually share black and milds while grinding to “Bandz a Make Her Dance”. Just nightmare inducing.
5) I should be used to this, but the clientele of that club are NOT used to white boys with jew fros. Especially when the said white boy with jew fro looks like he is trying to outdo JLO in the ass category (what can I say…I only have one pair of dark jeans and they are the ones that make me look like a gay miner 😦 ). So naturally their immediate response was to come up to me, cautiously, and be like “yo…we gotz sum bud if yu wants sum”. and then retreat as if my next breath would give them AIDS. Relax boys, I’d have to spit on you first. I thought about getting some “bud” for a certain friend but then realized I would probably get arrested from trying to buy it because I would have NO idea what to do. Just like Tim Tebow in a strip club (SEE HATERS I CAN MAKE SPORTS JOKES).
Anyway, when it was my turn to bartend, naturally its like 2am and I’m about to pass out on Hagrid’s wife. And then, naturally naturally, the bar becomes SLAMMED. Like I’m there just casually opening a Corona for a nice young lady who made Nicki Minaj look flat when I am hearing, all around me, “2 LONG ISLANDS NO ICE!” “NO YOU MOTHA-EFFING BITCH I WAS FIRST AND I WANTS 2 APPLETINIS!” (i know..i was like..wut…). Anyway, for a good hour I was bartending like my life depended on it, which it probably did,…..but it was fun because it made the time go by fast.
I finally escaped by 4 am. Unfortunately the clienele also does NOT tip at ALL so in cash tips we all made $200…divided by 7 and it was like $28 😦 😦 Parking cost $15 😦 😦 WHAT A POINTLESS NIGHT. My uncle wants me to come down to Key West for the summer and live there..I am seriously considering that.
Anyway, I’m going to go to apply for more jobs now. Hopefully I will be like Daft Punk’s new song that will NOT go away (seriously WTF first Justin Timberlake now Daft Punk…we need more Carrie on the radio 😦 ) Get Lucky and…get lucky with a job. Wish me luck. If you are reading this. 😦 😦 and mother of pearls the air conditioner won’t be fixed till like Monday. Thanks alot, Jesus.