Koneechewa!!! :)

Shalom all you rude boiz and gurlz!  It is 12:40am on a Friday night so you know what that means – Selena Gomez is blasting from my credit-card purchased (i.e. why i am in massive debt) MacBook, there is a glass of 5% cheap sparkling wine from me that probably came from LiLo’s left teet, and all my friends are out partying while I contemplate love, life, and how Anne Frank survived years without chocolate or Kim’s sex tape.  But I digress….

To address the zebra in the room, it has been like…4 months since I last blogged.  I KNOW THAT many of you assume it is because (shit my gay uncle just called and he is telling me about how he is getting hit on…right in front of the guys…and im like DUDE IM ALONE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT STFU I H8 U! oh now the guys tryna get diirttty w him are talking to me and trying to flirt with the “young naive homo who recently came out… ya dooshbags bcuz 23 years and 6 months is “recently” when you remember when electricity was invented ASSHOLES).

(2.5 hours later)

I’ve had a few more glasses of wine and after talking to my uncle about his love life, I can sufficiently say I never ever ever want to grow up.  Here I am, a young (im)mature adult feeling like this

carrie bradshaw…so angsty and melodramatic and vulnerable…only to find out that in 30 years I will be the EXACT same way, except looking like this…Number-1-Player-On-All-Games-Ugly-Fat-Man


But back to the rainbow zebra in the room.  I took a leave of absence because I actually did commit to a summer of abstinence from sex, alcohol, and cigarettes. And honestly, I never felt better…it was like Amanda Bynes visited me in a dream, lent me her meds, and I floated in a sky full of possibilities, no anxiety, and college cafeteria buffets (thank you JHU for all dem delic salad bars!!!).

Then I returned to Miami…the land of…the complete opposite.

Anyway, I want to start blogging again if only to hold myself accountable.  For instance, the next time I am craving that Big Mac with extra bacon and “special sauce”, I can ask myself as I wait 20 minutes in the ridiculous drive thru line because the person in front of me can’t tell the difference between dollars and cents “when I blog about my day, do I really want the highlight of my day to be indulging in a meaty, greasy, 2-month-cholesterol-intake burger?”.  The answer, my dear readers, will most likely be yes, so stay tuned.  And I realize I kinda contradicted myself there – you thought I would say no, because I want to hold myself accountable..but that is the kinda stream-of-consciousness vibe I want you to enjoy, or love-to-hate, about this blog (just like i love-to-hate Mellie).  And if you don’t know whom I am referring to, you have two choices:  1) Watch Scandal 2) Kill yourself for not watching Scandal.  I hope you choose the former.

Until next time betches,